Final Post.

I can now go weeks without thinking about gamin’.  I went to Target last night and walked through the video game aisle and didn’t feel the slightest pull from the games on the shelves.  Instead, gamin’ feels like an ugly ex-girlfriend I broke up with years ago.  What the hell was I thinking?

Please, if you’re reading this, do what I did, and go 30 days without turning on your system.  The pain is well worth it.  Good luck.

Day 81 – Relapse?

A few days ago a friend send me a short Halo 3 video.  The context of the video is unimportant, what scared me was that after literally five seconds I had to turn it off.  All I watched the player turn and fire his gun, and I could instantly feel myself getting pulled back into the game.  Since then my urges to play have come back in full force.  I WANT to play again.  I just don’t understand how can something so small can erase all the months of work I’ve put into fighting my addiction?

Day 67 – Discipline

On Friday I took my cable box to work with me and left it there for the weekend.  Lately I’ve been increasingly using TV as an escape, and thought, if I removed my ability to watch TV that I would have a more productive weekend.   Basically, I just want to force myself to study for the LSAT.  Unfortunately, I find myself gravitating to the computer now.  Wasting hours reading blogs and playing poker.  Maybe addiction isn’t the right word to describe my problem.  Maybe what I really need is more self discipline?

The issue I’m having is that it just feels natural/right to walk over and turn the computer on.  Forcing myself to do something else feels foreign and somehow wrong.  Perhaps its thousands of hours of practice, molding my brain to think this is the best environment for my own well being.  I can remember waaaay back at the beginning, when I first got my Nintendo Entertainment System.  Back then it was difficult to play for more than two hours.  I remember getting a headache after staring at the screen for too long.  Why doesn’t that happen to me anymore?  Is it the quality of the monitors/TVs?  Or maybe I’ve just practiced so much, that I’m really good at this now.

65 days

Two weeks ago I sold my xbox.  After 50+ days without playing, it had become exceedingly obvious that my life was better without gamin’.  I haven’t transformed into an instant superior version of myself, but my life is slowly heading in a new, and I think better, direction.  I’m discovering new interests, new goals, and most importantly new found confidence in myself.  So I am happy to report that after going 65 days without gamin’, I no longer feel the urge to play…at least not everyday.   I do occasionally feel the “pull” when I see a commerical on tv, or when I pass the video game section in a store.  But then, I’ve been playing video games for over two decades, so it’s probably gonna take more than two months to lick this thing.

Day 29 – Emptiness

I stayed up until 2:00 a.m. Tuesday night watching Roll Bounce. Yes, Roll Bounce, the “award winning” movie staring Lil’ Bow Wow and Wayne Brady about 1970’s Roller Discos. Don’t worry, as I’m typing this post I’m hangin’ my head in complete and absolute shame.

Unfortunately, Roll Bounce is just the tip of an ever growing iceberg. Over the last two weeks I’ve been watching an increasing amount of TV every night. Last night was my personal crescendo; I sat down at 7:00 and stared at the boob-tube until well after midnight. Five hours wasted and today I can barely remember what I watched.

The whole point of giving up 360 was to improve my life, not substitute one addiction for another. My problem is not a desire to watch a particular show, or play a certain game, it’s that I feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness. For me, TV and 360 take away that feeling, at least for a while. I don’t want to get too new age, or touchy-feely, but I do think I’ve been going about this process backwards. Instead of cutting out the addiction, maybe I need to concentrate more on what is creating this empty feeling?

Day 21 – This might be permanent

As depressing as it sounds, I’m starting to think that I can never go back gamin’. I would LOVE to pick up Turok for 360 or start a new campaign in Mass Effect tonight, but I can’t deny the improvements in my life since I’ve stopped playing.

It’s a strange feeling, but I’m much more interested in my own life now. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve set and obtained personal goals in the past. But until recently, I’ve never experienced a daily desire to achieve those goals. Like for instance, I actually look forward to studying for the LSAT. How fucked up is that? Before, I would have had to force myself to study for 10 minutes before deciding I was too tired to concentrate. One thing would lead to another, and then I’d that a 4 hour Halo 3 break. I’m exaggerating (a bit), the point I’m trying to make is that things are going well and I’d be stupid to to slip back into my old ways. Right?

Day 19 – update

I nearly finished all of the shit on my to do list.  And, I’m proud to say I’ve been working and studying every night.  I still can’t drag my ass out of bed early, but it is 6 degrees outside, so I’m gonna cut myself some slack.

Day 19 – I’m bored

There’s a ton of things I should be doing right now, but I just can’t seem to find the motivation. It’s cold rainy day and I don’t have to go to work, so it just feels natural to sit down on the couch and veg away the afternoon. The alternative, cleaning, studying & exercising, just doesn’t seem to be as much fun.

I’ve had a little success over the last three days – I’ve been working out and studying for the LSAT. BUT, on the flip-side, I did watch two movies last night and play poker online for more than a couple hours. Unfortunately, for me right now, both poker and movies have become the same type of escape as 360. So although it pains me to do this, for at least the next 11 days I’m going to try to stay away from both.

THE PLAN: Even though it’s going to be boring, and a little lonely, I’m going to force myself to create a To Do List. Everything I know I should do today, is going on the list, and I’m not going to stop until it’s all done. (BTW this is going to be a freakin’ looooong list) When it’s all done, then maybe I’ll allow myself some time on the couch.

Day 16 – Try, try again.

I ended up watching 3+ hours of tv last night.  I did study for the LSAT, but I failed to get up early, workout or eat breakfast.  Ouch.

As far as gamin’ is concerned, I really don’t think too much about it any more.  I don’t feel that pull to play like I used to, but in all fairness it is easy to avoid during the busy week.

Day 15 – treading water

I swore off xbox 360 because I wanted to make my life better. I haven’t played at all, but unfortunately I don’t think I’ve made any vast improvements in my life. So what’s my problem?

Let me start by breaking down a typical day:

I get out of bed with just enough time to shower, take the dogs out, and run to work (usually 10 mins late). I grab something to eat on the way to work, and then eat at my desk while I check my email. I work for 8-9 hours, and then run home to make dinner. Afterwards I may clean the apartment for a bit or play with the dogs. Lately I’ve been watching tv or foolin’ around online in the evening for a few hours, and then it’s off to bed.

So what’s missing? First off, I’m not exercising. So I might as well be sitting on the couch playing video games as far as my body is concerned. Secondly, I’m not working towards any of my goals. I would like to own a condo/house. I would like to go to law school. I would like to learn to play the piano. I would like to learn a second language. BUT, I’m not any closer to any of those things than I was 15 days ago. I’m just treading water.

So tonight, I’d like to start by studying for the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test). I think 30 minutes is a good place to start. Afterwards, I want to hit the sack a little early, so that tomorrow I can get up and work out. Nothing insane, I think an easy 20 minute run before starting my day will suffice. Afterwards, and this is a big one, I’d like to eat breakfast before leaving the house. I’ll report tomorrow on my success or failure. If it all works out maybe I can add a few more things. Wish me luck!