Day 29 – Emptiness

I stayed up until 2:00 a.m. Tuesday night watching Roll Bounce. Yes, Roll Bounce, the “award winning” movie staring Lil’ Bow Wow and Wayne Brady about 1970’s Roller Discos. Don’t worry, as I’m typing this post I’m hangin’ my head in complete and absolute shame.

Unfortunately, Roll Bounce is just the tip of an ever growing iceberg. Over the last two weeks I’ve been watching an increasing amount of TV every night. Last night was my personal crescendo; I sat down at 7:00 and stared at the boob-tube until well after midnight. Five hours wasted and today I can barely remember what I watched.

The whole point of giving up 360 was to improve my life, not substitute one addiction for another. My problem is not a desire to watch a particular show, or play a certain game, it’s that I feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness. For me, TV and 360 take away that feeling, at least for a while. I don’t want to get too new age, or touchy-feely, but I do think I’ve been going about this process backwards. Instead of cutting out the addiction, maybe I need to concentrate more on what is creating this empty feeling?

Day 21 – This might be permanent

As depressing as it sounds, I’m starting to think that I can never go back gamin’. I would LOVE to pick up Turok for 360 or start a new campaign in Mass Effect tonight, but I can’t deny the improvements in my life since I’ve stopped playing.

It’s a strange feeling, but I’m much more interested in my own life now. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve set and obtained personal goals in the past. But until recently, I’ve never experienced a daily desire to achieve those goals. Like for instance, I actually look forward to studying for the LSAT. How fucked up is that? Before, I would have had to force myself to study for 10 minutes before deciding I was too tired to concentrate. One thing would lead to another, and then I’d that a 4 hour Halo 3 break. I’m exaggerating (a bit), the point I’m trying to make is that things are going well and I’d be stupid to to slip back into my old ways. Right?

Day 19 – update

I nearly finished all of the shit on my to do list.  And, I’m proud to say I’ve been working and studying every night.  I still can’t drag my ass out of bed early, but it is 6 degrees outside, so I’m gonna cut myself some slack.

Day 19 – I’m bored

There’s a ton of things I should be doing right now, but I just can’t seem to find the motivation. It’s cold rainy day and I don’t have to go to work, so it just feels natural to sit down on the couch and veg away the afternoon. The alternative, cleaning, studying & exercising, just doesn’t seem to be as much fun.

I’ve had a little success over the last three days – I’ve been working out and studying for the LSAT. BUT, on the flip-side, I did watch two movies last night and play poker online for more than a couple hours. Unfortunately, for me right now, both poker and movies have become the same type of escape as 360. So although it pains me to do this, for at least the next 11 days I’m going to try to stay away from both.

THE PLAN: Even though it’s going to be boring, and a little lonely, I’m going to force myself to create a To Do List. Everything I know I should do today, is going on the list, and I’m not going to stop until it’s all done. (BTW this is going to be a freakin’ looooong list) When it’s all done, then maybe I’ll allow myself some time on the couch.

Day 16 – Try, try again.

I ended up watching 3+ hours of tv last night.  I did study for the LSAT, but I failed to get up early, workout or eat breakfast.  Ouch.

As far as gamin’ is concerned, I really don’t think too much about it any more.  I don’t feel that pull to play like I used to, but in all fairness it is easy to avoid during the busy week.

Day 15 – treading water

I swore off xbox 360 because I wanted to make my life better. I haven’t played at all, but unfortunately I don’t think I’ve made any vast improvements in my life. So what’s my problem?

Let me start by breaking down a typical day:

I get out of bed with just enough time to shower, take the dogs out, and run to work (usually 10 mins late). I grab something to eat on the way to work, and then eat at my desk while I check my email. I work for 8-9 hours, and then run home to make dinner. Afterwards I may clean the apartment for a bit or play with the dogs. Lately I’ve been watching tv or foolin’ around online in the evening for a few hours, and then it’s off to bed.

So what’s missing? First off, I’m not exercising. So I might as well be sitting on the couch playing video games as far as my body is concerned. Secondly, I’m not working towards any of my goals. I would like to own a condo/house. I would like to go to law school. I would like to learn to play the piano. I would like to learn a second language. BUT, I’m not any closer to any of those things than I was 15 days ago. I’m just treading water.

So tonight, I’d like to start by studying for the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test). I think 30 minutes is a good place to start. Afterwards, I want to hit the sack a little early, so that tomorrow I can get up and work out. Nothing insane, I think an easy 20 minute run before starting my day will suffice. Afterwards, and this is a big one, I’d like to eat breakfast before leaving the house. I’ll report tomorrow on my success or failure. If it all works out maybe I can add a few more things. Wish me luck!

Day 13 – Xbox Magazine Arrives

And I was doing so well. I got the mail today after work and found a brand spankin’ new issue of xbox magazine sitting right along side my electric bill.  Damn it.  There’s really nothing out on the market I really want to play, but it looks like there’s some sweet shit coming out soon. The whole 30-days-without thing is easy when I not really missing anything.  But what happens when the next big thing comes out?  And where am I going with this?  Should I start back up after 30 days?  Should I give up gamin’ forever?  Can I really start playing again on a limited, controlled, basis?  Fuck this, there’s just too many questions to answer right now. I’m gonna go make myself dinner and forget I ever saw that freakin’ magazine.

BTW, the mag went in the trash, and I still have not turned on my xbox.

Day 12 – Vacation

I got away for a few days with a couple of friends. Until I left, I didn’t realize how far I’ve come in the last few days. I’m not saying my urge to play completely disappeared, but there were serious chucks of time when I didn’t even think about gamin’. This is new for me, because I have been on vacations in the past and been overwhelmed with an urge to play.

I’m also finding it easier to socialize since I stopped gaming. Maybe my attention span is expanding, or maybe I’m just bored, but talking to people is a little more interesting than it was in the past.

Day 5 – Failure?

While waiting for the Super Bowl to start yesterday I played 5 minutes of a game demo with a friend. He asked twice to show me the demo, and I didn’t want to be a dick, so I conceded. The game was horrible, and it felt really strange playing. Kinda like making out with an ex-girlfriend. Everything feels familiar, but very wrong at the same time. Needless-to-say, I didn’t enjoy myself.

Besides this minor hiccup, things went really well this weekend. I feel less of an urge to play everyday. I took a walk around my neighborhood on Saturday to run some errands, and I realized I hadn’t ever been four blocks south on foot before.

I used some of my new spare time to start a web page last night.  It sounds like a good idea, but I felt some of my escapist-behavior taking over.  I was awake until 12:30pm last night deciding on the best background for my page.  I wish I had instead gotten to bed early and done some reading.   I’ll try again tonight.

Day 3 – Saturday

Shit, today is gonna be hard.  Usually on Saturdays I put in at least six hours on the 360.   It’s just so easy to sit down and zone out.  I can turn on the 360 and completely escape any feelings of anxiety I might be experiencing.  Usually I’m beating myself up of my future, and whether or not I should go back to school.  But not today.  Today I’m going to force myself to run errands and do chores around the house.  Doesn’t walking to the post office and scrubbing the bathtub sound like fun?

Oh man am I fighting the urge to play right now.  I can feel the controller in my hands.